Mr. Bish
by Melli
Summary: Trigun/Slayers crossover. I had a beauty peageant of bishounen. Sorry Knives isn't in here; I hadn't seen the last ep when I wrote this. Please R&R!


Mr. Bishounen  
So, this is my first humorous fanfic, and I hope it turned out well. My "friends" (~_^) told me it's hilarious, but I don't trust them. So please! Read and review, even if you think it sucked major ass! And as you probably read in the summary, it's sorta a Slayers/Trigun cross-over, but primarily Slayers. If all goes well here, and I get some positive reviews, I'll post it on the Trigun section. OK, here we go with the disclaimer, then we get to the story, which is kinda long, but worth it, according to Nina-chan, Emmy-chan, and LA-chan. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, except Melloss. And Nina, Emerald, & Lee-Anne belong to Maddy, Ani, and (duh) Lee-Anne, respectively. And Mr. Make-up/Eric is Eric Lee, and he doesn't even know he's in this. (He also doesn't need to know ~_^) I don't own Slayers, Trigun, Speedo, Jeopardy, Romeo & Juliet, FUBU, the Good Ship Lollypop, Dockers, 'NSync, Armani, or McDonald's. Confused? Read on to find out why I've mentioned all those seemingly-random names.  
  
Melloss: Welcome, minna-san, to my fanfic! Yes, that's right. It's time again to venture into the depths of my creativity! *collective shudder* So grab your flashlights and gather round so I can assign parts.  
  
*Big crowd of Slayers and Trigun characters reluctantly shuffle towards author.*  
  
Lina: So what's it gonna be this time? The beautiful and talented sorceress Lina Inverse finds the greatest treasure in the world? Becomes queen of the universe? Marries a gorgeous prince?  
  
Mel: *sweatdrop* Ahh, no...Actually, this fic was inspired by a strange conversation in French class.  
  
Nina: Aren't they all strange?  
  
Mel: *sticks out her tongue* You know what I mean. Anyhoo, this time we're having a beauty pageant! And much to Zelgadis' chagrin, it's for guys!  
  
*All the guys slowly back away, except Xelloss, of course*  
  
Zel: Ano, Melloss, I suddenly don't feel so well...I think I have a fever. Right, Amelia? I feel hot, don't I? *hint, nudge*  
  
Amelia: *eyes gleam adoringly* Oh, Mr. Zelgadis, I think you're--*interrupted by glare from the chimera next to her. Raises hand to his forehead.* Oh, hai, it's definitely a fever!  
  
Mel: Cut the bull, I know you're not sick, and I know Amelia couldn't possibly feel your temperature through that thick hide of yours.  
  
*Zel & Amelia look down, ashamed*  
  
Xelloss: Anyway, Mel-chan, please continue!  
Filia: *mumbling* Namagomi suck-up...  
  
Mel: *ignoring stupid comments* So, let's start off with the host. Me! Duh, who else?  
  
*Giant facefault*  
  
Mel: Next we have seven judges: Lina, Filia, Nina, Emerald, Martina, Milly, and Lee-Anne.  
  
Amelia: *whining* Ohhhhh! Miss Melloss! How come I didn't get picked?  
  
Mel: Are you kidding? Sorry, Ame, you're just wayyyy too biased! Same goes for Sylphiel.  
  
Amelia: *taking justice pose* But as a judge I would do my very best to uphold the honor of the position by being as impartial as possible and letting the best chimera-ano-by letting the just winner prevail in the end!  
  
Meryl: Give it up. Even us Trigun characters know you're head over heels for that blue guy.  
  
*Zelgadis blushes*  
  
Amelia: *turns crimson* I...I...Mr. Zelgadis...  
  
Mel: Ya, okay, anyway. Those are the judges. Deal. *deliberate glare at Amelia*  
  
Emerald: So who are the contestants?  
  
Nina: Whole lotta bish... *drooling* Ano, by any chance, will there be any yaoi?  
  
Zel, Vash, Nick, Val, all the girls: NOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Gourry: Uh, what's ya-yaw-yaway?  
  
*sweatdrop*  
  
Xelloss: *still smiling, perhaps even wider* Well, dear Gourry, you see when two people love each other very much, it doesn't matter to them...  
  
Wolfwood: GAH! Shut up! * clamps hand onto Xel's mouth* As a Christian Jew, I refuse to participate in any acts of yaoi! Although I see no problem with smoking, drinking, gambling, lying, or shooting people in cold-blooded murder, acts of homosexuality are just WRONG and those who condone them are evil! *glare aimed at Xel & Nina*  
  
Mel: *nervously laughing* Heh heh, I think now's a good time to put in another disclaimer. The author does not necessarily agree with everything the characters say of their own free will and profusely apologizes for anything they may do to offend readers. *smacks Wolfwood* Now say you're sorry, jackass!  
  
Wolfwood: *grumbling* I'm...sorry...  
  
Mel: *stern look at Jesus Freak* Now that that's over with, let's move on to the fic! We're talking about the contestants now. So Contestant #1 is...Zelgadis!  
  
Zel: *cursing under his breath*  
  
Mel: Contestant #2 is Gourry! #3 is Xelloss! #4 is Vash! #5 is Wolfwood, #6 is Legato, #7 is Valgaav, and #8 is...Drum roll, please.  
  
*Zangulus pops up, playing the drums*  
  
Zangy: Gourry Gabriev! *leaps up* I challenge you to a fight!  
  
Mel: Easy there, Scarecrow Man. Sit your ass down and keep up that drum roll.  
  
*sits down again, picks up his sticks, and plays, all the while staring intensely at Gourry*  
  
Mel: So Contestant #8 is... Mr. Make-up! *sweatdrop* Also known as Eric Lee.  
  
*Eric pops out of nowhere*  
  
Eric: Hey, hey!  
  
Vash: Who's that?  
  
Mel: Duh, it's Mr. Make-up! But you can call him Eric.  
  
*All the bish gather on the stage. Mel, Nina, Emmy, and Lee-Anne get giant nosebleeds and must pause the program while they go backstage to get themselves under control.*  
  
Mel: *returning from dressing room* Okay, let's get this show on the road!  
  
*SNAP! Everyone is suddenly dressed in fancy clothes, the judges are sitting in the front row, and thousands of extras and unused character fill the audience.*  
  
Mel: *in lavish gown too beautiful for words* Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you to the First Annual Mr. Bishounen Contest!  
  
*Applause, cheers, whistles* (The extras are being paid, duh)  
  
Chibi-Lina: Hey! They're getting paid? And we're not?  
  
Mel: They have a choice, you don't. Now get back to your place and shut up! *tosses Lina to her seat* Give a big round of applause for our contestants. We'll start with Contestant #1, Zelgadis Greywers!  
  
*Zel walks onstage self-consciously, wearing a casual outfit of Dockers and a sweater. Audience goes nuts*  
  
Zel: Um, hi, I'm Zelgadis Greywers. I'm a shamanist sorcerer, a swordsman, and, uh, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a chimera.  
  
*Audience goes nuts*  
  
Zel: *gaining confidence* Thank you, thank you! I enjoy long walks on the beach and cuddling with a loved one in front of the fireplace. Oh, and ladies, I'm available! *winks at audience, who goes nuts. Many girls faint*  
  
Mel: *as Zel walks off-stage* Thank you, Mr. Greywers. And now Contestant #2, Gourry Gabriev!  
  
*Gourry walks out in a similar outfit, but with a leather jacket slung over his shoulder. Audience goes nuts*  
  
Gourry: Hi, I'm Gourry Gabriev. I'm not a sorcerer, but I'm a kick-ass swordsman...if I do say so myself. My most prized possession was the Sword of Light, until, of course, Lina made me give it up so those bad guys couldn't get it. Oh yeah, and my ideal girl is smart, funny, kind, but not necessarily drop-dead gorgeous. *killer smile, audience goes nuts*  
  
Mel: Contestant #3, Xelloss Metallium!  
  
*Xelloss walks onstage wearing purple leather pants, an unbuttoned purple velvet vest, his hair is back in a ponytail with a few strands loose in the front. Takes a very suggestive pose*  
  
Xel: Hi, I'm Xelloss. I'm Beastmaster Zelas' high general and priest. And I'm over a thousand years old, so I know a few...tricks! *wink, wink* So if you'd like to learn from such an experienced and powerful Mazoku such as myself, call me! *wink wink, blows a kiss to Filia, who blushes, and the audience goes nuts*  
  
Mel: Heh heh, thanks you, Xel. *pushes him off-stage, because he's down near the crowd, touching girls' hands and making obscene gestures* Now, Contestant #4, Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Vash arrives onstage in jeans and a white tee-shirt that shows off his impeccable chest and humongous muscles. The audience, of course, goes nuts.*  
  
Vash: Hello, my name is Vash. Back home, I'm wanted dead or alive for $$60 billion. I'm an ace gunman and a hand-to-hand combat expert. In my spare time, I like saving the world from evil villains, running from the people trying to catch me for the reward, hanging out with Nick and the insurance girls, *waves to Meryl & Milly. Milly waves back, smiling, but Meryl crosses her arms and frowns* and playing with the local children.  
  
*Audience goes nuts, Vash exits*  
  
Mel: Here's Contestant #5, Nicholas D. Wolfwood!  
  
*Wolfwood struts onto the runway in his usual outfit, but with gold crosses on the cuffs and around his neck. Audience goes nuts*  
  
Wolfwood: Hi everyone, I'm Nicholas Wolfwood. *pulls out cigarette and lights up* I'm a man of the cloth, a priest. My mission is to travel around raising money for the orphanage I work at. But don't get me wrong, if you cross me, I'll get out my big giant cross and shoot your head off! *points little gun at audience, who still goes nuts. Wolfwood rolls his eyes and leaves*  
  
Mel: Again, please excuse our temperamental priest. Let's move on to Contestant #6, Legato Bluesummers!  
  
*Legato slowly walks out, wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt...with a huge, puffy sphere on his right shoulder and black spikes protruding from it. He takes out a hot dog and swallows it whole. Melloss slaps her forehead as the audience does what it does best-goes nuts*  
  
Legato: My name is Legato Bluesummers. My objective in life is to kill every living thing, and no one can get in my way, not even Vash the Stampede! MWAHAHAHAHA! (evil laugh)  
  
*Legato, still laughing, exits, and the audience-you guessed it-goes nuts  
  
Meryl: *to Milly* Jeez, how much is this audience being paid?  
  
Mel: Um, yah, continuing with our list of bishounen. Contestant #7, Valgaav!  
  
*Val comes onstage wearing a business suit and tie. Audience goes nuts*  
  
Val: What the f--- are you cheering for? There's nothing to be happy about here! My master and I were both killed by that goddamned sorceress in the front row! My like f---ing sucks!  
  
Mel: *smacks Valgaav* Stop complaining and say your thing!  
  
Val: *grumbling* Do I have to? *glare* But it's so lame! *glare* Oh, fine! Hello my name is Valgaav and I'm an Ancient Dragon, the last of my kind. On the outside, I may look like one tough cookie, but-Do I REALLY have to say this?! *glare* But on the inside I'm just a big softie. *cursing under his breath* I'll never live this down...  
  
*Val storms off as audience plays checkers. Oh sorry, I mean the audience goes nuts*  
  
Mel: Okay then, it's time for our final contestant. Last but not least, here's Contestant #8...Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric hesitantly walks to center stage wearing his usual cargo pants and old white tee-shirt. Audience goes nuts*  
  
Eric: Erm, hi. Uh, I still don't really know why I'm here or who all you people are...*poked in back by Melloss* Oh yeah, I'm supposed to say something. OK, I'm Eric Lee, also known as Mr. Make-up. Don't ask about my nickname; it's a long story from French class. But aside from my cosmetology-related tendencies, I play the violin and a variety of other instruments. Um, that's it.  
  
*Audience goes nuts. Eric leaves, giving Mel a funny look. Mel shrugs*  
Mel: Well, that's all our contestants! I hope you got to know them 'cause they're all really wonderful people! And totally hot, too!  
  
*Audience (especially Emmy, Nina, and LA) goes nuts in response*  
  
Mel: Now, on to the swimsuit competition! I would like to ask the audience to hold all applause until the end of this section. Afterwards, the judges will make a very hard decision. Our group of 8 bishounen will be cut in half! Well, almost. There will be 5 left over. So let's start! Here's the first Speedo-sporting hottie, Zelgadis Greywers!  
  
*Zel walks out, severely blushing, in a skimpy blue Speedo. He's looking totally nosebleed-worthy. He nervously moves about the runway, trying to cover his entire body with his hand. Judges look thoughtful for a moment, then hold up cards: 9, 8.5, 9.5, 8, 9, 10. Zel smiles and exits.*  
  
Mel: Gourry Gabriev!  
  
*Gourry strides out, fairly confident, wearing a black Speedo. Flexes enormous muscles, flashes that killer dumb-blonde smile and waits for his scores: 8, 7, 8.5, 6.5, 9, 8.5, 8*  
  
Mel: Xelloss Metallium!  
  
*Xel comes out buck naked except for a strategically-placed beach ball*  
  
Mel: *turning SD with rage and yelling* You fruitcake! You're supposed to have a swimsuit on!  
  
Xel: *innocently* But Mel-chan, you said swimwear! This is what I wear to swim! There was nothing about a bathing suit mentioned.  
  
Mel: still SD, now banging Xel on the head* What the hell!  
  
*Mel's beating causes Xel's beach ball to fall, leaving him bare as the day he was born-erm, created. Audience goes nuts. Judges quickly hold up their scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 9.5* (from Filia, of course)  
  
Xel: *smiles and blows a kiss to Filia, who turns orange (she was already crimson from the beach ball thing)* Thank you, thank you! *leaves, to Mel's relief*  
  
Mel: On to the normal contestants. Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Vash saunters out in a red Speedo. If you've ever seen Vash without clothes, then you know why the audience and judges go silent*  
  
Filia, Amelia, Sylphiel: Awwww, that poor man! He must have been through a lot!  
  
*Judges' scores: 8, 7, 6.5, 9, 7, 6, 7*  
  
Mel: Nicholas Wolfwood!  
  
*Wolfwood casually strolls out onstage in a tight black Speedo with a golden cross on the front. Judges' scores: 9, 8, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9*  
  
Mel: Legato Bluesummers! *silence* Ahem! Legato Bluesummers. *silence* Legato, get your ass out here now!  
  
*someone backstage pushes Legato out. Everyone gasps. He's got the standard Speedo (blue, to match his hair), but that's not what everyone is shocked at. His right shoulder is not normal, in fact, it's a giant sphere of flesh!*  
  
LA: So that's why he has to wear that thing on his trench coat! And all this time I thought it was just to hole his hotdog supply!  
  
Legato: *nervously* See, this is why I didn't want to do it! I dislocated my shoulder when I was 15, and the swelling never went down...And if you stare, I'll kill you! *menacing glare*  
  
Mel: I think it's time to move on...*to Amelia, whom Legato is shaking his fist at* Let's not stare, it isn't nice! *Amelia keeps staring* He's serious when he says he'll kill you! *shoves Legato into his dressing room* Next we have Valgaav!  
  
*Valgaav takes his place on the runway, wearing an orange Speedo to match his eyes. Judges' scores: 5, 6, 4, 7, 6.5, 5, 5.5*  
  
Val: What the f---! I got gypped! *storming off* Those f---ing judges wouldn't know beauty if it jumped up and bit 'em in the f---ing a--!  
  
Mel: And in conclusion of tonight's swimwear competition, here's Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric comes out. You wouldn't even recognize him. His enormous chest muscles are tan and oiled. His whole body is huge and buff, and the green Speedo accents his blue eyes. Gasp of amazement*  
  
Nina: *to Emerald* Who'd have thought? He always looked so scrawny!  
  
Emerald: Ya, we missed out big time!  
  
Nina: But we never thought to look past his goofy, tall, skinny exterior. For shame.  
  
Emerald: I think the lesson here is-  
  
Mel: Will you guys shut up! We're trying to have a beauty contest here! No time for morality!  
  
N & E: Sorry!  
  
*Eric ignores them and continues strutting his stuff, causing major nosebleeds and faints. Judges' scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10*  
  
Mel: Thank you, guys! You were wonderful! Hope the audience has some blood left after that display of bishounen! *hysterical laughter from the audience* Now comes the part you all just dread. We must cut our group of 8 down to 5. Judges please enter your scores and we will announce the semi-finalists in a minute...  
  
*silence as judges figure out scores...more silence...Jeopardy theme plays...*  
  
Mel: All right, the results are in! *Kuroneko-sama climbs the stairs with a little envelope on his head*  
  
Kuroneko-sama: Myah.  
  
Mel: Thank you, random cat! *takes envelope* And the semi-finalists are, in no particular order...  
  
*contestants have gathered onstage, still in swimwear (Xelloss has donned a robe) and are holding hands (some more reluctantly than others)*  
  
Mel: Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Vash smiles and receives hugs from fellow contestants (well, almost all of them). He moves over to designated semi-finalist area*  
  
Mel: Zelgadis Greywers!  
  
*Zel shrugs off any attempted hugs and joins Vash*  
  
Mel: Xelloss Metallium!  
  
*Xel shrieks like a girl, hugs everyone fiercely and does that thing beauty queens do when they've won (Ya know, fan their faces and choke back tears, trying not to smudge their make-up)*  
  
Mel: *rolls eyes* Nicholas Wolfwood!  
  
*Wolfwood calmly and confidently shakes everyone's hands, accepts their congrats and joins others*  
  
Mel: And last, but certainly not least...  
  
*Zangulus pops up and starts a drum roll, still glaring at Gourry*  
  
Mel: * dramatically* Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric smiles, flexes again, and joins others*  
  
Mel: To the rest of you, I'm sorry you didn't make it, but remember you're all such wonderful people and you will find happiness one day! Just believe in yourself, follow your heart & your dreams, and anything is possible, no matter what they say!  
  
*silence*  
  
Filia: Wow, how OOC...  
  
Lina: Ya, she sounds like Amelia!  
  
Mel: *still glassy-eyed for a moment, but quickly recovers* Anyhoo, semi-finalists, will you please go back to your dressing rooms to prepare for our formal wear competition. Meanwhile, my co-host, Rezo the Red Priest, will catch our REJECTS on their way out for interviews.  
  
*cut to backstage. Everybody is running around and cries of "Where's my cumberbun?" and "Can someone zip me up?" can be heard. Rezo is standing at the stairs leading to the stage with the REJECTS next to him.*  
  
Rezo: First off, I'd like to say great job, and too bad you didn't make the cut. So, are any of you guys at all sore from being downsized?  
  
Val: Yeah, damn it! Stupid judges, I'm g-----mn sexy! Why can't they see that?  
  
Legato: Maybe that swearing and crude language was a turn-off.  
  
Val: Look who's talking! You threatened to kill them, along with the whole world!  
  
Legato: *still calm* At least I've come to terms with my rejection. And I had better sense than to wear an orange Speedo.  
  
Rezo: You're wearing an orange Speedo? Wow, that's funny! No wonder you got cut!  
  
*Val gets violent, but Legato uses his telekinesis powers to stop him dead (not literally). Others have backed away from the fight*  
  
Rezo: Uh, back to you, Melloss.  
  
Mel: Thanks, Rezo, and be sure to keep an eye on those-ano, I mean make sure they don't kill each other. Moving on...It's time to start the formal wear competition! The gentlemen have ach selected a tux or suit or other kind of dressy clothing. Here they are to show off their fashion sense. First up, Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Vash is escorted onstage by a gorgeous girl, whose beauty is nothing compared to his! She leaves him posing out front, wearing an Armani suit and black bow tie. He strikes a few dashing poses and the judges' scores are: 8, 7.5, 7, 8, 6, 7, 7.5*  
  
Mel: Zelgadis Greywers!  
  
*Zel is escorted in a similar fashion. He is left on center stage in a nice navy suit with no tie and the top button on his shirt is left undone. Judges' scores: 8, 9, 7.5, 8.5, 8, 7, 8*  
  
Mel: Uh-oh...Xelloss Metallium...*crosses fingers, hoping he comes out wearing clothes*  
  
*At entrance to the stage, Xelloss is flirting with his escort*  
  
Xel: So, what's your sign?  
  
Amelia: Mister Xelloss! It's your turn! *pushes him*  
  
Mel: *sigh of relief*  
  
*Xel is wearing a purple tux and tie with his hair pulled back. He actually looks drop-dead gorgeous. And no obscene gestures this time. Judges' scores: 9, 10, 8, 9.5, 8.5, 9, 9*  
  
Mel: Nicholas Wolfwood!  
  
*Wolfwood is escorted out, cigarette in mouth. He is wearing a suit with silver crosses all over is and a silver cross necklace. Suddenly he has a coughing fit*  
  
LA: Must be all that smoking and drinking.  
  
Mel: Wolfwood, didn't I tell you not to smoke? Now put that thing out and go get some water.  
  
*Nick obliges, then comes back out so judges can get a good look at him*  
  
Mel: *mumbling* All these crosses are making me very uncomfortable...Wouldn't be surprised if I started melting anytime soon...  
  
*Wolfwood exits. Judges' scores: 6, 5.5, 7, 8, 7.5, 8, 10 (From guess whom? Emmy-chan, of course!)*  
  
Mel: And Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric is escorted in the usual fashion, and he is greeted with a gasp from the audience and judges. Instead of wearing a tux of some sort, he is dressed in an ice-blue, sleeveless, low cut, floor length evening gown! His make-up (lip color, eye shadow, etc.) are all done to perfection to complement his natural tones and gown. Weird thing is, he makes a great-looking woman!*  
  
Eric: *in response to stares* Hey, I am Mr. Make-up, after all!  
  
Martina: *to Lina* Gee, he looks better in a dress than you, Lina! And he's got a bigger chest, too, although that's not hard...  
Lina: Grrrrr, fire-BALL!  
  
*Martina is roasted, but luckily she was on the end, so no one else is hurt. Unluckily, Melloss sees the whole thing and gets pissed. She uses her Mazoku powers to shrink Lina's chest even more and to levitate Martina's Zoamelgustav icon up to the ceiling*  
  
Martina & Lina: EEEP!  
  
Mel: You get 'em back at then end of the show, if you behave!  
  
*Martina & Lina nod like children sentenced to a month without TV and the show continues*  
  
Mel: Anyway, judges, your scores, please?  
  
*Judges' scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 9 (from Lina, who is intensely jealous)*  
  
Mel: Well, that wraps up the formal wear part of the pageant. Next up, talent. But while our bishounen prepare for their acts, let's revert back to my co-host, who is also the fashion commentator. So, Rezo, what did you think of those outfits?  
  
Rezo: Huh? What are you talking about? I didn't see any of them!  
  
Mel: Why the hell not? Asleep on the job? What are we paying you for?  
  
Rezo: Actually, you're not paying me...  
  
Mel: That's no excuse! Why weren't you paying attention to the show?  
  
Rezo: I'm blind, damn it!  
  
Mel: Oh...That's a good excuse...Heh heh, sorry, Rezo. I forgot about that whole blind thing.  
  
*Rezo says nothing, but folds his arms and pouts*  
  
Mel: Ya, okay...Oh, I see our first contestant is ready! Here's Zelgadis Greywers doing a soliloquy from Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet!  
  
*Zel takes the center stage as the lights dim so there's only a spotlight on him. He's wearing that outfit from TRY where he goes on that ride thingy with Lina and Filia...You know what I'm talking about! Tights and a ruffly collar!*  
  
Zel: *clears his throat* But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, and none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. It is my lady. O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that. Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold. 'Tis not to me she speaks. Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some business do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars as daylight doth a lamp; her eye in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and think it were not night. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek! She speaks. O, speak again, bright angel, for thou art as glorious to his night, being o'er my head as a winged messenger of heaven unto the white-upturned wond'ring eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy puffing clouds and sails upon the bosom of air...  
  
*By this time, every audience member, judge, and contestant are weeping or choking back tears*  
  
Legato: *backstage, clutching a hanky* That's so...so sweet! *bursts into tears. Valgaav joins him, comforting his former enemy and also weeping*  
  
Filia: how romantic!  
  
Amelia: *hands clutched to her heart, eyes all dreamy* Oh Mister Zelgadis...I love you, too! *rushes the stage and glomps Zel, much to his disgust*  
  
Zel: Amelia! Get off me! What are you doing?  
  
Amelia: Oh, Zelgadis, I know you were talking about me! It's okay to admit your feelings! I love you, too!  
  
Zel: What! Amelia, that was just part of a play. I didn't write it, I didn't mean it for you, and I don't love you!  
  
Mel: Security!  
  
Amelia: You don't have to deny it anymore! It's perfectly all right. Love is a beautiful thing and you shouldn't hide it! Just profess your adoration of me and we can live happily ever after!  
  
*Big, HUGE, ENORMOUS! muscle men come out and pry the tiny princess of the poor chimera. They drag her away, kicking and screaming "Zelgadissssss! I love youuuuuu!" Zel gets up and hurries off the stage. Judges' scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, 8, 9, 9.5*  
  
Mel: Thanks, Steve! *waves to muscles man* Call ya later! *winks* Moving on, here's Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Circus music starts playing ad Vash on a unicycle pedals out to center stage, juggling 6 brightly colors balls. He's wearing a clown costumes, complete with big shoes, red nose, and funny wig. Starts making funny faces at crowd*  
  
Vash: So, I got a few jokes for ya! A guy walked into a bar. It hurt. *audience goes nuts, erupts with laughter* Where does George Washington keep his army? Up his sleevey! *audience goes nuts* What do you call a guy with not arms and no legs in a pool? Bob! *audience goes nuts* What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil! *audience goes nuts* What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt! *audience goes nuts* What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall? Art! *audience goes nuts* Thank you, thank you! Well, that's it for me now! You've been a great audience, thank you very much! *flick of his wrist, kick of his leg, and he is now holding his unicycle in one hand while all the balls fall around him in a nice, neat circle. Audience goes nuts. Vash collects balls and leaves. Judges' scores: 8, 7, 8, 9, 8.5, 7.5, 8*  
  
Mel: *laughing* Oh wow, what a hoot! Our next act is Xelloss Metallium!  
  
*Rap music starts to play as Xel advances to his place in the middle of the stage, wearing baggy jeans, lotsa huge, tacky gold chains, a bandana, a giant watch around his neck, sunglasses, and a FUBU jacket*  
  
Xel: Yo my name is Xelloss and I'm here to tell ya  
That I'm a Mazoku, though I look like a regular fella.  
Bein' a monstah's great, bein'a monstah's fun.  
Everyone's scared of me, I'm tha Beastmastah's son!  
Most peeps think that;s bad, bein' the cause of fear,  
But I'm a Mazoku, so you can stick it in ha rear!  
I drink fear, and eat humans fer breakfast,  
So watch whatcha say, else I'll hoover yer ass!  
Bein' a monstah's great, bein' a monstah's fun.  
I love striking fear in the hearts of everyone!  
My favorite pastime is following Lina.  
But I think she'd win in a contest of who's meanah!  
And before she can give me a fireball in the face,  
I'll teleport to dear Filia and 'borrow' her mace!  
Swingin' Mace-sama left and right,  
I'll knock Lina unconscious among cries of "Fight! Fight!"  
So now I'm triumphant. Now I've won.  
'Scuse me while from Lina I run!  
  
*Lina has started a fireball and is about to shoot it at Xel when he bolts from the stage and teleports backstage. A warning glare from Mel gets rid of the fireball and Lina sits back down. Xelloss appears onstage and starts break-dancing. 'Course the music has ceased, even though his act wasn't over (The music technician ran for his life when he saw Lina getting angry) so he looks pretty stupid. Finally, he finishes and gets up, blowing kisses to his 'adoring fans' as the audience goes nuts. Judges' scores: 9, 8, 7.5, 7.5, 8, 8.5, 1 (from Lina)*  
  
Mel: Next we have Nicholas Wolfwood!  
  
*Again, lights dim except for spotlight on Wolfwood, who is dressed in all-out priest robes. (and cigarette) Organ music begins to play and he puts his cigarette out on the heel of his shoe. Starts to sing a hymn. INSERT HYMN HERE. (Hey, I'm not Christian, how should I know any hymns?) He finishes*  
  
LA & Mel: I'm Jewish!  
  
Nina: No, you're not!  
  
*LA & Mel shrug*  
  
Mel: OK, I'm atheist! Satisfied, Nina-chan?  
  
*Nina nods happily*  
  
Mel: OK, judges, scores please?  
  
*Judges' scores: 4, 5, 3.5, 6, 2, 5, 10 (from Emmy-chan, duh!)*  
  
Milly: Mr. Preacher was a little out of tune...  
  
Mel: And lastly, we have Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric is centerstage, in the spotlight, like the others. He's wearing a long white robe with his monogram on the chest. He clears his throat and begins quietly*  
  
Eric: On the good ship...Lollypop...  
  
*He rips off the robe, revealing a tux covered in silver sequins, a can, and a top hat. The lights go up. Goes into a rendition of "The Good Ship Lollypop." Scenery made to look like a cruise ship is now visible, with extras in sailor suits tap-dancing in the background. Eric also tap-dances and he nears the end. In a huge grand finale, the song builds up and ends. Eric is down on one knee, holding out his cane & hat. Fireworks go off, and the audience goes nuts. Judges' scores: 10's all the way across*  
  
Mel: WOW! That was AMAZING! Bravo, bravo! Wow...Well, on that note, now comes another HUGELY important moment. *contestants have gathered onstage like before.* These 5 gentlemen will be cut to only 3. After the cut, we will have a question and answer period, then the judges will make their final decision. With that said, judges, please vote for the 3 finalists.  
  
*Jeopardy music again. It stops and Kuroneko-sama pads up the stairs again with another envelope on his head. Stops at Mel's feet*  
  
Kuroneko-sama: Myah.  
  
Mel: Thank you random cat! *picks up envelope* And the finalists are...  
  
*Zangulus pops up again, playing the drums and glaring at Gourry*  
  
Mel: Vash the Stampede!  
  
*similar reaction as last time's*  
  
Mel: Xelloss Metallium! (goodness knows why...)  
  
*Even shriekier (ano, don't think that's a real word...) reaction than last time. But now he can't hold back tears and starts crying*  
  
Mel: And...Mr. Make-up!  
  
*Eric joins the others and they go backstage to change*  
  
Mel: While our contestants prepare for the question and answer period, let's talk to Rezo again. So, Mr. Red Priest, what do you think of the judges' decision?  
  
Rezo: Well, from what I saw-  
  
Gaav: Ano, Rezo, you can't--*WHACK!*  
  
Rezo: Figuratively! It's a figure of speech! ARGH! From what I HEARD, these young men have quite a lot of talent. I particularly enjoyed Mr. Wolfwood's hymn, being a priest myself. But I also found my (great)grandson's soliloquy extremely beautiful and sincere.  
  
Mel: And what of the Mazoku Rap?  
  
Rezo: Ano...It was...entertaining...  
  
Mel: And Eric's elaborate song and dance number?  
  
Rezo: Well I couldn't see any of it, but I'll take your word. As for the singing, I heard one A# that should have been just an A...  
  
Mel: You noticed that?  
  
Rezo: Since my vision is gone, my other sense are heightened. 'Sides, I played the piano for 15 years in Evil Red Priest School.  
  
Mel: I thought you've always been blind.  
  
Rezo: Yes. Yes I have.  
  
Mel: Then how did you learn to...Never mind...  
  
Rezo: *looking confused* OK...  
  
Mel: Our contestants are ready! Now here's how this works. *whips out a fish bowl full of folded pieces of paper* On each of these slips of paper in written the name of a judge. Every contestant will randomly select one paper, and that judge will ask him a question. The contestant will have a minute to answer as many questions as time allows. First up, we have Xelloss Metallium.  
  
*Xelloss, back in his normal outfit, trots (yes, trots) onstage. He reaches in the fishbowl, picks out a paper, and hands it to Melloss*  
  
Mel: Filia Ul Copt.  
  
Filia: Oh, good, I have some questions for YOU, Namagomi!  
  
Mel: Sorry, Filia, but you have to ask the questions you submitted beforehand. They were approved and everything so we know you won't humiliate us!  
  
Filia: *grudgingly* Oh all right...  
  
Mel: One minute on the clock, please! And go!  
  
Filia: Baka namagomi, if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?  
  
Nina: *to LA* Uh-oh, that was the wrong question!  
  
Xelloss: *getting evil look on his face* Ano...I think I would open more pottery/mace shops! *sweatdrop* You can never have too many of those, especially when the merchandise is all hand-made by Ryuzoku! *wink, wink*  
  
Filia: *surprised* Ah, uh, good answer...My next question is: Describe your dream girl.  
  
Xel: My dream girl, eh? Well she would have to be blonde. Long blonde hair. And beautiful and kind and loving and charitable enough to raise her former enemy. *meaningful looks at Filia* And she must own her own business and be strong, physically and mentally. But most important, *Filia is crimson with embarrassment under Xel's intense gaze* she must not be a Golden Dragon! Yech, I just can't stand those filthy Ryuzoku! They're such repulsive creatures!  
  
*Filia turns red, this time with anger, She grabs Mace-sama and is about to pound Xel to China, when Mel stops her, using her powers to freeze Filia mid-swing*  
  
Mel: Time's up! Thank you, Filia, Xelloss. Please sit back down, Miss Ul Copt.  
  
*she unfreezes the priestess, who fumes, but takes her seat. Xel exits, looking smug.*  
Mel: Next for our q & a section, Vash the Stampede!  
  
*Vash enters, waving to the audience, who is, as usual, going nuts. He's wearing that sexy outfit from after he leaves Lina (the other one) He picks out a slip of paper and hands it to Melloss*  
  
Mel: Milly Thompson.  
  
*Milly stands up and waves*  
  
Milly: Hi Mr. Vash!  
  
Vash: Hi Milly!  
  
Milly: OK, so my question is this: If you found a genie that could grant you one wish, what would it be and why?  
  
Vash: *gets all starry-eyed* I would wish for my dream to come true-my dream of love and peace all over the world. It's important that people get along, and I think that's our worst flaw. If we could spread love and peace, then problems like hunger, murder, poverty, and war would quickly work themselves out. And everybody would be happy. We would be living in a utopia...  
  
*audience and judges are also starry-eyed, picturing Vash's dream*  
  
Vash: It would be a whole new world, one made of...LOVE AND PEACE! *does his little hand thing* LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! *gets whole audience going* LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! *still chanting as he exits. Audience quiets down*  
  
Mel: Thank you, Vash. What a beautiful dream! Mr. Make-up, it's your turn.  
  
*Eric approaches Mel, in his original outfit. Picks a judge and gives it to Mel*  
  
Mel: Nina Inhertz.  
  
*Nina gets up and clears her throat*  
  
Nina: What's the capital of Pennsylvania?  
  
LA: *to Nina* What the hell kind of question is that!  
  
Nina: *to LA* I couldn't think of any sappy, touchy-feely questions about major issues and changing the world. You guys took 'em all! So I opened an encyclopedia and picked out random facts.  
  
Eric: Harrisburg. The capital of Pennsylvania is Harrisburg.  
  
Nina: What's the country with the highest population in the world?  
  
Eric: China.  
  
Nina: Spell antidisestablishmentarianism.  
  
Eric: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.   
  
Nina: What are the boiling and freezing points of water?  
  
Eric: Freezing point is 32° Fahrenheit or O° Celsius. Boiling point is 212° Fahrenheit 100° Celsius.  
  
Nina: How do you say 'I was watching TV when you called' in French?  
  
Eric: Je regardais la télé quand tu as téléphoné.  
  
Nina: Who was the first person to sign the Declaration of Independence?  
  
Eric: John Hancock.  
  
Nina: Approximately how many copies of 'Nsync's 'No Strings Attached' were sold in its first week out?  
  
Eric: 2.4 million-give or take.  
  
Nina: And lastly, if a train leaves Boston at midnight, traveling 65 MPH, and Johnny leaves Los Angeles on his motorcycle at 6:00 AM, traveling 45 MPH, but he runs out of gas in Kansas City and has to stop at a hillbilly gas station where he is abducted by aliens as he is paying for his Twinkies...  
  
*Buzz!*  
  
Mel: Time's up! Thank you, Vash, Nina. All contestants, please stand on this line, so the judges can take one last look at you and recall your performance tonight.  
  
*The guys line up, as told.*  
  
Mel: Now, judges, this is the most important part of the pageant-the final decision. You 7 will go into this room *points to big glass box on stage right* and discuss everything you've seen tonight. Then decide the winner!  
  
*Judges stand up and file into the big glass box. They sit down around a round table and immediately start yelling and fighting. Luckily, the glass is sound-proof, and strong enough to endure many the many fireballs Lina throws. After about ten minutes, it's apparent that no conclusion has been reached and they're going no where*  
  
Mel: *muttering* This could take a while... *to the audience* While we're waiting, let's present some awards! These special honors are furnished by McDonald's! Each winner will receive a lifetime supply of chicken McNuggets and McFlurries!  
  
*audience goes nuts*  
  
Mel: Our first special award is Mr. Congeniality. Every contestant voted for one of their peers whom they see as nice, kind, caring, and all-around amicable. Then, these votes were tossed out and I decided who's the nicest! The winner is...Vash the Stampede!  
  
*audience goes nuts. Vash stands next to Mel as Ronald McDonald enters to present him with his gift certificate. He accepts and returns to his place*  
  
Mel: Next up is our Best Hair award. I also chose the winner here. Congratulations, Xelloss Metallium!  
  
*Xel does 'The Beauty Queen Shriek' again and takes his certificate from Ronald. He clutches it and starts a teary acceptance speech*  
  
Xel: I'd like to thank all the little people! My mom and dad for giving me my genes, my hairdresser for working wonders my pet fish from second grade-  
  
Mel: Xelloss, you don't need to give a speech. It's not that much of a big deal.  
  
Xel: But you like me, you REALLY like me!  
  
Mel: Fruitcake, I just like the color. Purple is my favorite! Now get back in line.  
  
*He pouts, but obeys*  
  
Mel: *rolls eyes* Our final award is Mr. Photogenic! Since this is a really weird category, I drew a name from a hat! (Hey, we have to give everyone a chance) So the random, but deserving, winner is...Valgaav!  
  
*Val storms in from off-stage. He grabs the certificate, mumbles, "Thank you, you piece of..." and walks off. Ronald also exits*  
  
Mel: Okay...Anyway, let's check on the judges.  
  
*in the big glass box, chaos prevails. Nina, Lina, and Martina are all debating-violently. Milly is busy waving at people she knows-and some she doesn't. Emerald is petting Kuroneko-sama, who somehow managed to find his way in. Filia is swinging Mace-sama, trying to break the enchanted glass so she can hit Xelloss, who is making faces at her. And Lee-Anne is playing 'mime trapped in an invisible box'-except that she's actually trapped in a box. Everyone outside sweatdrops*  
  
Mel: OK, I can see this was pointless. Let's go to Plan B.  
  
*she opens the glass door and throws the judges back into their respective seats*  
  
Mel: We're going to try something else. Each judge will press X, V, or E on their keypads, voting for the person they want to win. But, since this is America, the contestant with the most votes won't win! Votes will be sent to a work room backstage, where child-laborers will gather them, draw the names on T-bone steaks and feed them to tigers that we conveniently had lying around. Whichever steaks are not torn up and shredded in 10 minutes will be transferred onto playing cards, which will be randomly inserted into a full deck, which will then be tossed into the air, scattering them all over the floor. A guy on a pogo stick with adhesive on the bottom will bounce around the room, and whichever cards he picks up will be check for votes and recorded. Next, each vote will be written on a key and tied to a kite. A cosmetologist will fly said kite in a lightning storm, and whichever keys are struck will be tied to the collars of Chihuahuas. These dogs will race, and the name of the contestant written on the key attached to the winning dog will be our first Mr. Bishounen!  
  
*audience has fallen asleep. They wake up when Mel yells and promptly go nuts*  
  
Mel: So go to it, judges!  
  
*Fifteen minutes later (with Jeopardy music over and over and over...) Kuroneko-sama pads up the stairs with an envelope on his head*  
  
Mel: Huh? Something's wrong. This should have taken a lot longer. *picks up envelope, opens and reads* Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! Apparently the tigers were hungrier then we thought. They actually ate a few of the child-laborers, the pogo stick, and the cosmetologist in addition to the steaks. That is, all but one steak! And a second was left legible. Therefore, we can determine a winner and runner-up. Drum roll, please!  
  
*Zangulus pops up again, glaring at Gourry and playing a saxophone*  
  
Mel: I said DRUM roll! Not SAXOPHONE roll! If I wanted a saxophone, I would have brought Midvalley back!  
  
Zangy: Oops, sorry! It's Gourry's fault! He distracted me!  
  
Gourry: Huh? I didn't do anything!  
  
Zangy: Yes you did!   
  
Gourry: No I didn't!  
  
Zangy: Yes you did!  
  
Gourry: No!  
  
Zangy: Ya!  
  
Gourry: Nuh-uh!  
  
Zangy: Yuh-huh!  
  
Gourry: Nuh-uh!  
  
Zangy: Then we shall have to settle this like men. Let's fight to the death! I challenge you, Gourry Gabriev, to a duel!  
  
Mel: Don't even think about it! Get your drums, sit your ass down, and play, damn it!  
  
*Zangy grumbles, but does what she said*  
  
Mel: Anyway, the second runner-up and winner of this lovely Kleenex box-  
  
Xel: My, Melloss-chan, I didn't know you were that cheap!  
  
Mel: Quiet, you! Or I'll send you to your worst nightmare!  
  
Xel: *pales* No...You don't mean...  
  
Mel: Yes, the happiest place on Earth-  
  
Xel: No one could be that cruel!  
  
Mel: Disney World!  
  
Xel: NOOOO! OK, I'll shut up! Just don't send me there!  
  
Mel: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (evil laugh) Ahem...So, anyway...The second runner-up is-  
  
Xel: I want a recount!  
  
Mel: Hey! Didn't I shut you up before?  
  
Xel: Don't care. I want a recount. It's my right. Gore can do it, why can't I?  
  
Mel: But I haven't even read the name yet.  
  
Xel: So?  
  
Mel: But how could you-hey! You've been reading my mind again, haven't you?  
  
Xel: Oh, no! I wouldn't dream of it...Mrs. Stampede...  
  
Mel: *pales*...N-nani?  
  
Xel: Nothing, nothing! Sore wa himitsu desu! I said nothing about that dream with him...And by him, I don't mean-  
  
Mel: ALL RIGHT! That's it! Here's your god damn Kleenex box, second runner-up! Now it's time to ride Small World a hundred times in a row! *shoves Kleenex box into Xel's arms and teleports him away* LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN! NO INTERRUPTIONS! *glares at everybody in sight* OR YOUR FATE WILL BE WORSE THAN XEL'S! *takes a few deep breaths and calms down. Audience is silent, judges are backing out of the line of fire, and Eric & Vash are clutching each other in fear* Okay, I'll be fine now that that damn Mazoku is gone. *guys hesitate then let go* So we know the second runner-up is Xelloss. Now first runner-up. Drum roll please! Um, drum roll?  
  
*Zangulus has stuffed himself in the drum and is trembling in fear. The drum breaks, leaving him half inside the hollow cylinder, arms and legs flailing outside. All in all, it makes a pretty ridiculous picture*  
  
Mel: *sigh* Zangulus, it's okay. No one will hurt you.  
  
Zangy: Ano...Melloss-sama, I'm stuck. *sweatdrop*  
  
Mel: How anticlimactic. Screw drama! *in a monotone, real fast* Vash, you're the first runner-up and you won an autographed poster of me. Eric, you're the first Mr. Bishounen, you also won a thousand dollars and a laptop computer. Congratulations, see you in French class.   
  
*exits. Pause. Words sink in and audience goes nuts. Extras come out and give Vash the poster. They crown Eric and put his sash on, giving him a bouquet of flowers. He starts crying and the Rejects come back and hug him. Music starts and Phibbrizzo (in a tux) appears on the side of the stage*  
  
Phibby: *singing* Here he is, Mr. Bishounen! *signs typical beauty pageant song. Voice cracks on a high note*  
  
Gaav: *to Rezo* Somebody's hitting puberty...  
  
Rezo: *to Gaav* A little late, dontcha think? I mean, he's thousands of years old! *both shrug*  
  
*Eric walks the runway and waves to his adoring fans. Suddenly, the clock chimes 12. The audience, who where previously going nuts, abruptly stop, dead silent, and run to the exits. Anime gang stares at empty theatre*  
  
Gourry: Where did they all go?  
  
Meryl: yeah, that was awfully rude.  
  
Mel: *coming back onstage* Their time was up. I hired them until midnight.  
  
Lina: And WE have to stay later! We're not even being paid!  
  
Mel: Isn't seeing the look on a happy author's face reward enough?  
  
All (except for the nice ones like Vash, Amelia, etc, and the dumb ones like Gourry): NO!  
  
Mel: *shrugs* Tough. You don't have a choice.  
  
*silence*  
  
Sylphiel: So, Miss Melloss...What do we do now?  
  
Mel: Oh ya! Time to clean up! I promised I'd leave this theatre spotless and Eric's little dance number was awfully messy. *suddenly holding mops and brooms, etc.*  
  
All: EEEP! *look around, trying to find a way out, but are unsuccessful*  
  
*Mel starts handing out cleaning supplies*  
  
Meanwhile, in Florida...  
  
Xel: NOOOOOOOO! *He's sitting the little boats of Small World, surrounded by Disney characters, such as Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, etc.*  
  
Disney characters: *singing* It's a small world after all! *they finish and the ride ends*  
  
Mickey: One more time! It's a small word...*ride starts again*  
  
Xel: *melted into puddle in seat* Isn't 83 times enough?  
  
Minnie: Don't be silly! You can never have enough cheeriness! Now SING, DAMN IT!  
  
Xel: *feebly* Where a smile means *gag* friendship for everyone...  
  
Mel: *from perch atop carousel in the scenery* Hmmmm, that's enough of that! Time for Teacups with Filia! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *pause to take deep breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (evil laugh)  
  
*fade out on Filia beating Xelloss with Mace-sama on the Teacups ride*  
  
Chibi-Lina: Owari!  



End file.
